Just When You Thought it Was Safe to Play Bingo in Church...

When the stars align and MaMere is having a good day on Sunday we take her to church with us. I can tell when she wakes up if it is a day for church or a day for someone to stay home with her. On a "good day for church" she comes out of her room smilig, blues eyes sparkling. On a "not so good day for church" she comes out of her room scowling, muttering curse words and waving her skinny arms at all of us. "I'm not really up yet, I just have to pee and then I'm getting back in the damn bed" she says as she shuffles to the bathroom. I know God understands, He doesn't want her ruining it for everyone else.

When we do take her with us she shuffles along smiling at everyone and acting like she is the model of good behavior. She says "I'm proud to meet you" when she is introduced to people, which is an old person expression. All of the residents at the facility she used to live in say the same thing. I'm not exactly sure why they are proud when they meet someone, I'm going to have to look up the origin of that expression.

Church members will tell her how sweet she is and she looks at me as if to say "see, I'm still smart enough to fool all these people." I roll my eyes at her and she grins bigger. Suckers.

One Sunday we had a youth fundraiser after church, complete with lunch and bingo. MaMere is settled with her bingo cards and is in rare form. She is ready to WIN. She has 4 cards in front of her which I know is a problem but she insisted. I'm not going to arm wrestle the bingo cards away from her... at least not in front of everyone. Let the games begin.

"Bingo" she screams, waving her skinny arm. She hands the card to my daughter who has to take it up to the front to be checked.

"I'm sorry, no bingo," one of the youth announces over the microphone.

"Well damn, I was sure I had it." I let it go because if I call her on it she will say twice as many curse words trying to convince me that she hasn't said a curse word.

She does her best impression of Bill Murray in "Groundhog Day" and does the exact same thing two more times. My daughter is losing her patience and stomps to the front of the room to have MaMere's cards checked.

"No bingo."   "No bingo." My mom looks at me and rolls her eyes and sighs loudly, as if there is a secret Bingo conspiracy against her.

MaMere keeps marking her cards.... she stops and opens her mouth... "Don't say it" Laurel says under her breath. Too late, it's already coming out of her mouth.... "BINGO" she screams. "And this time I really have it!" My daughter makes no move to get up and  my mother gets irritated. "Take it up there, I really have it this time. I was paying attention." Laurel looks at me and shakes her head no. "Just take it up there Laurel." "Mom, it's embarrassing, she doesn't have a bingo." I pull mom rank because I don't want to have to take the card up to the front. After all, I have to give her a shower so I figure Laurel can handle the embarrassment of the not-a-bingo card.

Laurel makes it obvious to everyone in the fellowship hall that she is not happy about this 4th trip to the front. She stomps her feet and sighs loudly, jaw set and eyes reflecting her irritation. I don't know where she gets these traits.....

Now the bingo callers are irritated.... my mother has completely disrupted the flow of the game with her continuous false bingos. "I'm sorry, NO BINGO." Laurel shoots daggers at me with her eyes and puts her hands in the air. She is done. My mother does not take this well, she was CERTAIN she had a bingo. We quickly go from a "good day for church" to a "not so good day for church." "Well goddamn it, this is so fucking frustrating" she screams out loud, smacking her hand on the table. Time slows down for a minute and I feel myself get hot. My vision tunnels... I see my kids visibly recoil and look for the nearest hole to fall into. I see the faces of the little kids, looking to see who is causing the disruption, the startled looks on the faces of other church members. I make a mental note to convert to a religion where speaking is forbidden. Then I see Jesse's face in my peripheral vision, he is trying hard to keep from laughing out loud. A split second later everyone recovers and someone starts laughing, then others laugh. Time speeds back up again. The bingo caller quickly calls out another number and the game moves on. I take all but one of MaMere's bingo cards and she keeps playing like nothing happened.

Afterwards several people came up to tell me how "funny" my mom is. "Yes, she's a real piece of work..." One lady told me that was the best laugh she had in a long time and she just "looooooves MaMere." (Great, you sit with her next time.)

As we are leaving my mom says goodbye to people on her way out, smiling sweetly like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. She has no idea she just dropped an f-bomb in church so she is happy as a clam in sand, oblivious to embarrassment, impervious to shame. I guess that's freeing in a way. I am just thankful that I go to a church where the members will smile at her after an f-bomb and not judge her. Thank you baby Jesus for grace.